Fine and Dandy

With the exception of Liz Taylor, Gaga's wardrobe and all the man ass running around the Hotel Cortez, American Horror Story: Hotel has been a huge yawnfest this season.  A tedious and predictable serial killer story line, measles infected child vampires and Chloë Sevigny's Victorian cut dresses have not made for an interesting season, and I'm prepared to jump off this sinking ship if Ryan Murphy can't stop cramming guest appearances down my throat at the expense of storyline.  No wonder Jessica Lange was like "Fuck this, I'm out." 


Thankfully, we've been treated to Cheyenne Jackson's pert bubble butt cavorting in bed with the Countess

and Finn Wittrock playing two forgettable characters that don't come close to Dandy Mott's gorgeous ass but still got naked anyway.

Next season better be set in the Hollywood Spa, where two gay nymphomaniacs (Matt Bomer and Zac Efron) fuck all night until the drugs run out and they're trapped there because the Sunday morning farmer's market is right outside and the last thing they want to do is stumble out of a bathhouse tweaking while some plastic blonde in Lululemon athletic wear is buying organic kale.  The horror! 

Where in the Universe is Carmen Sandiego?

When you're the most hated woman in Colombia you have to travel incognito, which might explain the Bianca Jagger as Carmen Sandiego look Miss Universe Ariadna Gutierrez Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach was working this morning while doing press in New York.  Those Latinas take their pageant shit seriously, so homegirl better be looking over her shoulder every day for the next twelve months while she's cutting ribbons and waving.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

The year 2015 will go down as the year of the transgender.  With Laverne Cox's trailblazing Emmy nomination and the very public 'coming out' of Caitlyn Jenner, the trans experience is less taboo and underground and more accessible to the mainstream than ever before.  Shows like Orange is the New Black and Transparent beaming transgender faces into our living rooms weekly and parents like Ally Sheedy speaking openly about their transgender children can only have a positive effect.  That's right...Ally Sheedy's son is transgender.  And as we step into 2016 that's no big deal.

                                           Laverne Cox

                                          Emmy award winning star of Transparent Jeffery Tambor

                                          Ally Sheedy

Full Nelson

Remember Nelson, who had a big hit back in the early 90's with that one song neither of us can remember because we were distracted by their ridiculously luscious blonde locks and the novelty of their dead famous father rather than any talent they might have?  Well a lot has happened to Nelson since then, and by that I mean they finally got a haircut and....well.....nothing else really.  Just in time for the holidays, Nelson were on Fox & Friends this week to promote another Christmas album the world doesn't need before heading to their day jobs busking for change in the subway.

I Wish I'd Shaved Today

It's always the days that I sleep in, am running late, or just feeling lazy and don't shave when I meet someone incredible and wish I'd taken a few extra fucking minutes in the morning or had a little more self esteem at 6AM and attempted to look presentable.

Shootin' At The Walls of Heartache

Breaking up with someone is one of the shittiest, most painful things a person can go through unless they're Taylor Swift and make a career out of writing songs every time a relationship ends.  The confusion, the sadness, the loneliness, the endless pints of ice cream....it all fucking sucks.  Thankfully, my girl Patty Smyth is helping me shoot at the walls of heartache (bang, bang).  Patty IS the warrior, and if anyone can guide me through it she can.

My Big Fat Greek Brain Fart

Sometimes when I'm writing these blog entries I have a very clear idea of what I want to say and the words come effortlessly, and other times I'm staring at a blank page (because I still write in long hand and type it out afterwards a la the late great Jackie Collins) struggling to come up with a train of thought.  That's when my mind wanders into surreal John Waters territory and I start wondering crazy shit like whether Stevie Nicks even owns a pair of jeans or what the original angels at the Charles Townsend Agency are up to these days.  I mean, can you imagine a senior citizen version of Charlie's Angels starring Sally Field, Dolly Parton and Cher as Sabrina, Jill and Kelly, solving crimes on the Sunset Strip in between concerts at the House of Blues or the Troubadour?  The Barbie-like dazzle of lots of makeup, tons of fake hair and the cumulative effects of plastic surgery could make this the gayest thing on television since the Miss Universe pageant or Battle of the Network Stars and it would probably sweep the Emmys in every category that exists and some that haven't even been created yet, but this is really just a long winded way of saying I can't come up with shit to write about Olympia Dukakis, who has already worked with all three women and should play the voice of Charlie.