That Gum You Like Is Going to Come Back In Style

If there's anything to look forward to in 2017, it's the revival of Twin Peaks, the backwards talking little people, cherry pie and damn fine coffee, Log Lady fever dream that David Lynch spit out in the early '90s that's coming to Showtime this May (not to be confused with the shitshow going on in Washington, DC today, which feels more Twilight Zone/Apocalypse Now than Twin Peaks anyway).  One day it's 1990 and you're watching the reveal of Laura Palmer's killer with the stripper you picked up at the seedy Dupont Circle club that was upstairs from Burrito Brothers before both the club and Burrito Brothers closed and the show went off the rails and was cancelled, and the next day you have white hairs on your taint and you're old, but I still can't fucking wait to reunite with Ed of Ed's Gas Farm and his wife Nadine with the eye patch and the greased drape chords or Laura Palmer's screechy mother played by the amazing Grace Zabriskie. Sadly no Donna Hayward, because collagen hasn't made it's way to Twin Peaks yet and there's no other way to explain Lara Flynn Boyle's fucked up face (you can’t just go into the plumbing aisle at Home Depot, pick up something in a tube and inject into your face. That’s not okay.), but Mädchen Amick will be back as Shelly Johnson, and there must be something in that Double R Diner coffee because she hasn't aged a day!

Won't You Be My Neighbor?

Louise Sorel is someone you wouldn't know unless you were my mother or you spent the late 80's watching the greatest daytime soap opera in the history of soap operas, Santa Barbara, like we did.  If that's the case you'd be very familiar with the eccentric villainess Augusta Lockridge, who framed a man for murder to protect wrongly suspected son Warren, served daughter Laken's pet pigeon to the family as hors d'ourves as revenge for dating Ted Capwell, whose family she held a grudge against, faked a kidnapping and used the ransom money to keep the family mansion, and had an affair with sister Julia's rapist Dash Nichols, and you'd understand that meeting her portrayer would be a big deal for me.  We got a good laugh out of the fact that, although I traveled all the way to LA to meet her, she's an Upper East Side neighbor, and we agreed that next time we'd skip the TSA pat-down and have dinner and drinks at Scalinatella.  Hold the pigeon.

Shine Bright Like a Diamond

I know you've all been missing me terribly the last few weeks, waiting patiently for updates of my glamorous holidays sunning my nipples in Barbados or St. Barts or working a Chanel ski suit in Aspen, and while I'd love to tell you about swimming in the med with Naomi and Kate or that dinner in Lake Como with George and Amal, the truth is that the flu kicked my ass for two weeks and pretty much fucked my holidays right in the ass without lube or whispering sweet nothings in my ear afterwards.  So instead of some reality star or has been actress clinging to her last few seconds of fame with a show about strippers, let's start 2017 off right with international icon of glamour and my personal role model, Alexis Morell Carrington Colby Dexter Rowan herself, Joan Collins.  Dripping glamour in spite of the champagne and caviar bloat, she can still take your man, take your company and everything you love without even trying.