All About The Cock

Remember Brian Austin Green, who played the douchey wigger DJ who poked out Donna Martin's cherry (Donna Martin graduates!) on Beverly Hills 90210?  I know deep down we all think we're so much better than this motherfucker, but he's been banging decent looking women since his last role (as the douchey wigger DJ who poked out Donna Martin's cherry on Beverly Hills 90210), and I can't quite figure out how he lands such hot pieces of ass being Brian Austin Green, since it's not 1995 anymore.

He knocked up Vanessa Marcil, whose bad decisions also include a marriage to Corey Feldman and leaving the role of Brenda Barrett on General Hospital for a 'career' in men's magazines like FHM, Maxim and Stuff,

and is currently married to Megan Fox, the low rent Angelina Jolie inflatable sex doll you'd buy in the back room of the Hustler store on Sunset Boulevard and star of Turner Movie Classics like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Jennifer's Body.

He must have a huge cock.

Speaking of cock, here's Gilles Marini, whose cock you might remember from the first Sex and the City movie.  I know I do! 

Lean Back!

My friend Ashleigh and I have the weirdest friendship.  I don't remember how it started, but we used to work together back when I lived in Miami and we bonded over crazy shit like The Howard Stern Show, bad TV, celebrity dead pools and really random songs from Chaka Khan and Tracey Ullman.  To this day I'll still get texts at precisely 4:20 or whenever she hears Cher and Peter Cetera singing After All, which is to say we are VERY weird, but it works!

One of 'our songs' is Lean Back from The Terror Squad featuring Fat Joe and Remy Ma.  You've heard of it I'm sure.  I will never forget being in the bathroom at Bongo's Cuban cafe during our company Christmas party when that song came on and RACING to the dancefloor so we could dance together.  "Lean back, lean back, do the Rockaway."  Well Remy just got out of prison after serving six years, and is making the rounds to tell her story, and if you don't care about this picture of her at least Ashleigh will.

Aviva Drescher Threw Her Leg!

Aviva Drescher threw her leg.  That's right, a 44 year old mother of four who went to Vassar and has a master degree from NYU hurled her prosthetic leg across Le Cirque at someone and we watched it on television.  The Real Housewives have given us many 'what the fuck?' moments over the years - scenes we had to watch again to make sure we really heard or saw what we thought we did - but Avia Drescher THREW HER LEG!  And I laughed.  I laughed so hard that I cried.  Because Aviva wins.  In this desperate hunger game of attention seeking fame whores, no Real Housewife of any city now or ever will be able to top the mentally deranged bottle blonde shrew who threw her limb across Le Cirque.

Not Kandi Burruss, the dildo queen of Atlanta responsible for the instant classic Don't Be Tardy For The Party,

not Tamra Barney and Vicki Gunvalson, the shrieking hyenas from Orange County,

not even Carole Radziwill, a princess AND a Kennedy, who tried to stay above it all until that cunt Aviva dragged her into the mud.

And as she basks in the glow of her hideous yellow wallpaper sipping a glass of Ramona pinot grigio, a self satisfied smirk creeps across Aviva Drescher's face as she waits for the call from Andy Cohen, congratulating her on a job well done.

All I Wanted Was An Autograph!

I'm still shaking and I can't collect my thoughts, so if this post seems like I'm rambling or have tourette syndrom I'm sorry, but

BOY GEORGE JUST TOOK THIS SELFIE WITH ME!!!!!!

I'm been a huge fan since the early 80's, and used to drive my mom nuts singing along at the top of my lungs whenever the Karma Chameleon video came on MTV, back when MTV played videos.  Culture Club was my first concert (Memorial Auditorium in Buffalo, New York, April 3, 1984) and I bought every Smash Hits, Star Hits and Bop magazine his picture was in, along with every album, book, t-shirt, button and poster he ever put out.  When everyone else was into The Police or Duran Duran I was into Boy George, and you couldn't tell me shit because I know a good drag queen when I see one!  I met George in Washington DC in 1995, back when he was promoting his autobiography, and aside from a photo with him that I've always wanted to get signed I don't really remember much about that day.

Well, George is in town to promote the new Culture Club tour (and yes, I already have tickets) and I got a tip that he was at Rockefeller Center this afternoon doing press, so I grabbed my photo and ran like Usain Bolt at the Olympics hoping to catch him.  Waiting, waiting, waiting at the elevator bank for him to come out, and who should walk right passed me (carrying a Louis Vuitton hat box - how fierce!) but Boy George!!  Now Rockefeller Center has this thing about hounding celebrities inside (read: they don't like it) so I had to race in front of him discreetly, get outside before he could, and get my pen and photo ready, which was no problem even though my heart was pounding through my chest like tribal drums because I am a pro.

If there's one thing I know about Boy George, it's that she can be a bitchy queen, but here's the shocker - not only did he sign my photo and laugh about how old it was

but after realizing his car wasn't there and walking back inside he came outside again, said "You look like you want a photo too", took my cell phone from me and took this selfie of us himself!!!  NO LIE!!! 

And then he did the same thing for my friend Pavan!!

Best Throwback Thursday ever!!!

The Kids Are Alright

There's nothing I like better than a full on celebrity meltdown, and child stars do it best!  From Britney's shaved head to Amanda's cheap wigs to the last ten years of Lindsay's life, falling apart while having it all is a look that never gets old.  (What can I say?  Haters gonna hate!)  While there are at least three heading toward a 5150 hold at any given time, a few do manage to make it out of Hollywood alive and (relatively) sane.  Assholes!

Jason Bateman was in town recently to promote Bad Words, and interesting looking film I didn't get to watch on my ten hour flight from Athens thanks to the screaming three year old having an exorcism behind me, and it was everything I could do not to turn around after the first hour and a half and punch that little bitch in the face and shut her up real fast.  Seriously, some parents should be sterilized!

Sean Astin was in town to promote something that wasn't the thirty year anniversary of The Goonies.  His father played Gomez Addams, (which kinda makes him Pugsly?) and that's more interesting than whatever he was promoting.

Ben Savage was promoting Girl Meets World, the reboot of Boy Meets World that we've all (read: nobody) been waiting for, and if Hollywood has run out of original ideas and turned to Nick at Night for inspiration let me start a kickstarter campaign to bring back It's A Living right now!  More Ann Jillian please!!!

After hitting the wall pretty hard, Jason Priestley milked the last few seconds of his fifteen minutes with a memoir revealing that Brad Pitt doesn't shower (yawn) and Tori Spelling sold his wedding invitation in her yard sale, which kinda pissed me off because I didn't know she was having a yard sale and who wouldn't want a souvenir from her classic TV movie Mother May I Sleep With Danger?

Speaking of Tori, she teamed up with that bland tramp harlot whore Kelly Taylor for a new TV series Mystery Girls, about former co-stars reuniting to solve mysteries, and there is nothing in the world that can prepare you for the exquisite beauty of Tori Spelling at 8AM, looking like a constipated Admiral Akbar trying to push out a turd.  The real mystery: why didn't she name the show Charlie's Angels and call Shannen Doherty so it would actually get ratings?

Even Donny Osmond, the patron saint of child stars who made it out alive, put in a NY appearance to reminisce about the fifty year cheesefest he and Marie have subjected us to.  The one thing I remember about their cornball TV show was the balloons dropping from the ceiling every time they said goodnight, and I always felt a little gyped as a kid when I said goodnight and there was nothing.  No ballons.  No applause.  No one announcing me out over the credits.  Nothing!  My parents set me up for YEARS of disappointment at a young age!

Orange Withdrawals

It's been almost two months since I finished the second season of Orange is the New Black and I'm going through serious withdrawal.  I'm dehydrated as hell, agitated all day and waking up every night in a cold sweat.  I'm surprised I haven't woken the neighbors with my withdrawal screams.  Seriously, they need to just strap me down, put me on a drip and call in a priest, cause the thirst is REAL!!!

Thankfully, the cast is still making the rounds to gloat about their Emmy nominations promote the show, including Taylor Schilling, who was incredibly sweet and looked radiant at Sirius yesterday,

Lorraine Toussaint, MUCH nicer in person than the evil incarnate Vee,

and Uzo Aduba, who's either having trouble adjusting to fame or is as unstable as her character Crazy Eyes, ignoring the fans and walking quickly to the car with her head down.

Next time I'll throw my pie or piss by her bunk to get her attention.