Thankful For Childhood Memories and Nicollette Sheridan

My senior year of high school, my parents thought it would be a good idea for me to have a part time job to teach me responsibility, so I ended up working at this shitty burger and ice cream joint owned by the spoiled daughter of one of the town's richest, meanest men.  The food sucked, and the service sucked worse - we were all working for minimum wage and didn't really give a fuck about what you wanted on your burger or whether it was regular or diet coke, and nobody paid attention to the five second rule when a foot long hot dog fell on the floor and we put it back on the grill.  I don't think I learned responsibility, but I do remember singing Mad About You with my friend Theresa every time it came on the radio and gossiping with her and our coworker Donna about Knots Landing every week - she used to call it 'Knocks' because she was a forty something short order cook with a husband named Peanuts and a kid named Bean stuck in shit job in a go nowhere town, so why bother learning English?

Nicollette Sheridan played Paige Matheson on Knots Landing, and yesterday she made the rounds promoting some Hallmark TV movie she's in now that nobody will hire her after she sued ABC after getting fired from Desperate Housewives.  Probably not the smartest career move for an aging actress, but she also spent the better part of the last twenty years in a relationship with Michael Bolton so it's not the first questionable decision she's made.  She looks great, and could not have been nicer.  Thanks for the pic Nicollette, and for bringing back some great memories!  And in the off chance you're reading this, Happy Thanksgiving Theresa Centner and Donna Draggett!

That Time I Had Nothing To Say to Anjelica Huston

Meeting a celebrity is stressful.  Thoughts of what to say running through your head, rehearsing them over and over through your anxiety, hoping not to sound stupid when you finally have your chance, trying to stay cool and collected on the outside when you're a ball of nerves on the inside, and then in your moment you bleat out something so stupid they look at you with a blank stare and you walk away wishing you could crawl under a rock.   Yeah, well none of that happened with Anjelica Huston.  Instead, I was blank.  Nothing to say but 'It's a pleasure to meet you.'  I mean, what do you say?  'Nice hair?'  'I loved you in Smash?'

Why?

Today's Saturday side eye goes to me, for wasting mega pixels and camera memory on this bitch.  I like her much better when Tina Fey plays her.

I'm Not A Bitch, But I Play One On TV?

As anyone who watches American Horror Story knows, Jessica Lange is an incredible bitch.  With the turn of a phrase or a well directed look she can cut you to shreds without blinking an eye, because that's what bitches do.  I'd like to think she's a method actress, or maybe she's one of those Daniel Day-Lewis freaks who can't break character once she's in it?  How else to explain my recent experience with her?

A few weeks back, she was at Sirius in midtown, and with a curt 'No, I'm sorry' stepped into her waiting car, leaving Rick and I (literally, just Rick and I) stunned and disappointed.  OK, maybe she was in a hurry, or not feeling well, or whatever....I get it.  Last week, at the Today Show to promote some children's book she wrote (yeah, I know), she wouldn't even acknowledge the six people hoping for an autograph or a photo, walking brusquely past as if we were invisible.  And at a booksigning later that day, she refused to allow any photos with OR OF her to be taken (to which I promptly returned the book, unsigned).  She's a brilliant actress, but this coven NEEDS a new supreme.  Pretty Girl would have stopped.

Couldn't Be Happier!

I first 'met' Idina Menzel on the dancefloor in Palm Springs.  She was singing 'Defying Gravity' at the White Party and I was rolling on ecstasy and all was right in the world.  My roommate Andy was all excited about this girl from Rent and Wicked that I'd never heard of and I was all 'bitch slow your own roll, not mine' and kept right on dancing.  Eventually I saw Wicked and became obsessed, learning and quoting all the words to all the songs like a good little gay boy, and adding Idina and Kristin Chenoweth to my 'OMG I love her' list.  I've met Kristin a few times (more on THAT another day) and today I FINALLY got to meet Idina!  She doesn't have an extra eye that always remains awake or a soul so unclean pure water can melt her.  In fact, she couldn't be lovelier.

Thank goodness!  (And thanks Andy!)

Fat Albert Fuck You

This week's Saturday Side Eye goes to America's Grandpa treasure and the guy who taught us all how to love snack pudding, Bill Cosby!  The fuck you don't see in this picture is the fuck that Bill did not give this week when he arrived at Sirius studios for a town hall meet and greet in sweatpants.  Not a suit.  Not casual clothes.  Not even one of those ugly Cosby Show sweaters, but sweatpants!  He looked like he was headed down to the man cave to get comfortable in his Barqa Lounger for an afternoon of football, not like someone who was going to meet fans.  That, my friends, is what Fat Albert fuck you money can do!

Shine Bright Like a $10 Million Diamond and Ruby Encrusted Fantasy Bra

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is being filmed next week, to be broadcast in early December as an hour long paid advertisement so the billion dollar brand can push more product down the throats of fat girls everywhere who think the way to their man's heart is to put on something lacy and revealing instead of putting down the ice cream and joining a gym so the clasps on that made in China push up bra don't have to work so hard, and I can't wait!  Next to my boyfriend's birthday and our annual Joe's Pub date with Sandra Bernhard, this lingerie-show-through-the-eyes-of-a-Cirque-du-Soleil-costume-designer is my favorite part of the holidays - WAY better than that fag elf that wants to be a dentist!  Victoria's Secret angel Candice Swanepoel was in Times Square this morning to reveal the $10 million Fantasy Bra she'll be wearing during the show, and it better look a hell of a lot better on her than it did on the mannequin or it's overpriced.

That Time I Took Betsey Johnson To Dinner

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog entry for this important announcement...the weirdest thing just happened to me on the way home from work.  So I'm getting off the F train at 63rd and Lexington, and since I missed the light I had to walk down to 61st and cut over Lexington to get home, which means nothing to anyone reading this that doesn't live in NY or know what I'm talking about.  So I'm walking across the street and pass what looks like a stylish bag lady when I do a double take in the middle of the intersection.....it's Betsey Johnson!  I'm literally standing there reaching for my camera in my bag while Betsey is looking confused about where she's going, and she sits down on a bench in front of this shitty Italian restaurant my boyfriend and I almost went to once but left after the waiter brought us water because the menu wasn't that great, and is totally looking like a homeless lady.  I walked up and politely asked 'Excuse me, aren't you Betsey Johnson?' and told her how much I loved her reality show, which didn't get picked up for a second season.  She asked if I knew where Scalinatella was, and since it's on the corner where I live I told her I'd walk her there and we got into a wonderful conversation about the show and her fashion line and the last year of her life, which I saw bits and pieces of on TV and when we got to Scalinatella she gave me a big hug and thanked me for walking with her and told me to take a selfie because you really can't trust someone else with your camera and selfies are so much more fun, which is why I look like a psyho in this picture.  I hate selfies!

I'm Going to Celebrity Rehab

These damn celebrities are popping up everywhere like Kardashians or Lindsay Lohan mugshots and I'm falling farther and farther behind trying to come up with witty banter about people I really couldn't give a shit about, so we're going to play a little game of catch up and then fine tune this bitch into something about people I care about.  I mean, what's there to say about Diedre Hall, except that she should lay off the botox

or James Spader, forever typecast as the sleazy, creeper bad guy freak that makes your skin crawl

or Andre Agassi, who I first met my freshman year of college, before either of us lost our hair, tried meth or met Brooke Shields.

And where do I go with this picture of Parker Posey, who hasn't been seen, heard from or relevant since the 90's,

Jeff Goldblum, whose career I still can't figure out,

or Dana Delaney, who was in Desperate Housewives in the boring middle years when not even Nicollette Sheridan as Edie Britt could keep me watching.

Do you see where I'm going here?  I mean, I STRUGGLE to make someone like Danica Patrick interesting,

and since I never got into Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the only interesting thing I can say about Sarah Michelle Gellar is that I'd rather see her husband Freddie Prinze, Jr.  Naked.

I'm not one of those inherently funny people like Robin Williams

or Rebel Wilson

who can make funny shit out of shit.  This is WORK people!  And I'm exhausted. But not in that Mariah Carey ice cream cart striptease/Britney Spears shaved head way.

So going forward I'm going to focus on the people I really care about, and less on the people that are just out whoring their latest project, which means less whatevers and more WOWs.  More Real Housewives and less blurry Tiffani-Amber Theissens.

And no Julianne Moore.  Ever.

The Fuck?

In the spirit of Throwback Thursday and Flashback Friday, I'd like to introduce Side eye Saturday, that day of the week where we throw a 'the fuck' look at that one special person, place or thing that demands our attention for all the wrong reasons.  Our first guest, Corey Feldman.  Corey is best known for being featured on a poster you kept on your closet door when Lost Boys first came out.  He also starred in other '80s gems like Goonies and Stand By Me, and attended all of Michael Jackson's slumber parties, which explains the Structure-going-out-of-business-sale wardrobe in this picture.  Peace out you Charlie Sheen on a budget wannabe.