Promiscuous

Nelly Furtado, the slightly wonky Idina Menzel lookalike whose anthem "Promiscuous" became my jam and informed my slutty ways when I first moved to LA is back with a new album, her first in five years, and girl is on the ho stroll to promote the shit out of it.  I caught up with her on the Upper West Side this morning after my workout, then walked to work and had too many blueberries for breakfast because they are supposed to be good for my prostate, and I've had a stomach ache all day, which means I won't be dancing to Nelly's new music anytime soon.

(Spell)BOUND!

Please sign me up for a lifetime supply of whatever dead fetus cells Jennifer Tilly is using to stay so young and fresh.  The 58 year old star of direct-to-video-on-demand masterpieces Bride of Chucky, Seed of Chucky, Curse of Chucky and the soon to be released Cult of Chucky hasn't aged a day since Gina Gershon went down on her glamorous chola Betty Boop snatch in Bound back in 1996!  I don't think she's gone under the knife, so either she's bathing in virgin blood or Gina's tongue is magic, and if that's the case she can eat my snatch and keep me young too, because I AM that vain and I'm not too proud to admit it.

Cuchi Cuchi With The Star!

The latest cast of Dancing to Pay The Damn Rent was revealed this morning on Good Morning America, and sprinkled among those willing to humiliate themselves on live television is the Swarovski encrusted star power of an international treasure who has fascinated me since her Hollywood Squares panelist days, her eight appearances on The Love Boat, and her starring turn in the Christmas episode of Pee-wee's Playhouse; an ageless sequined sparkler who made a career out of busting and thrusting her shit and is about to share her talents with the world!  As she walked to the waiting van after the announcement I channeled every Telenovela I ever watched on the treadmill at the gym and every Cuban trick I ever slept with in Miami, calling out to her with what little Spanish I can remember, "Charo!  Charo!  Por favor!"  I even rolled my damn r's like Mrs. Bogardus taught me to in high school!  And I thought my gay heart would explode and then set itself on fire and scream "Balenciaga!" in it's final moments on earth as Charo STEPPED OUT OF THE VAN, cuchied over to the barricade, and posed for this picture like the intergalactic superstar and future mirror ball trophy winner that she is.