Full Nelson

Remember Nelson, who had a big hit back in the early 90's with that one song neither of us can remember because we were distracted by their ridiculously luscious blonde locks and the novelty of their dead famous father rather than any talent they might have?  Well a lot has happened to Nelson since then, and by that I mean they finally got a haircut and....well.....nothing else really.  Just in time for the holidays, Nelson were on Fox & Friends this week to promote another Christmas album the world doesn't need before heading to their day jobs busking for change in the subway.

I Wish I'd Shaved Today

It's always the days that I sleep in, am running late, or just feeling lazy and don't shave when I meet someone incredible and wish I'd taken a few extra fucking minutes in the morning or had a little more self esteem at 6AM and attempted to look presentable.

Shootin' At The Walls of Heartache

Breaking up with someone is one of the shittiest, most painful things a person can go through unless they're Taylor Swift and make a career out of writing songs every time a relationship ends.  The confusion, the sadness, the loneliness, the endless pints of ice cream....it all fucking sucks.  Thankfully, my girl Patty Smyth is helping me shoot at the walls of heartache (bang, bang).  Patty IS the warrior, and if anyone can guide me through it she can.

My Big Fat Greek Brain Fart

Sometimes when I'm writing these blog entries I have a very clear idea of what I want to say and the words come effortlessly, and other times I'm staring at a blank page (because I still write in long hand and type it out afterwards a la the late great Jackie Collins) struggling to come up with a train of thought.  That's when my mind wanders into surreal John Waters territory and I start wondering crazy shit like whether Stevie Nicks even owns a pair of jeans or what the original angels at the Charles Townsend Agency are up to these days.  I mean, can you imagine a senior citizen version of Charlie's Angels starring Sally Field, Dolly Parton and Cher as Sabrina, Jill and Kelly, solving crimes on the Sunset Strip in between concerts at the House of Blues or the Troubadour?  The Barbie-like dazzle of lots of makeup, tons of fake hair and the cumulative effects of plastic surgery could make this the gayest thing on television since the Miss Universe pageant or Battle of the Network Stars and it would probably sweep the Emmys in every category that exists and some that haven't even been created yet, but this is really just a long winded way of saying I can't come up with shit to write about Olympia Dukakis, who has already worked with all three women and should play the voice of Charlie.

Itchy Gitchi Yaya

Sweet potato pie gives me the shits, so I had no idea that Patti LaBelle's face is on boxes of pies that sell for $3.48 at Wal-Mart until some queen's YouTube review went viral this week, and now Patti LaBelle sweet potato pies are all the rage this holiday season.  I know Miss Patti is a good cook (I don't REALLY know since she's never cooked for me, but it's one of those things you just accept like 'The sky is blue' or 'Don't eat corn if you're a bottom'), but folks are losing their minds over this pie - its selling for $60 on ebay and flying out of stores like some kinda Black Friday midnight madness doorbuster shit while Miss Patti adjusts her wig and "Thank You Baby"s all the way to the bank. 


Here's the original drag queen in NYC yesterday reminding us all that our Thanksgiving table will be naked without her pie, and then the terrorists have won.

Who Shot Annalise Keating?

Damned if I know, but I sure as hell didn't, though not for lack of trying.  Viola Davis and the cast were in town last week to promote the midseason finale (tonight at 10 on ABC), and girlfriend couldn't stop moving, clapping and turning her head at Good Morning America, which would explain why there's not one clear shot of her looking in my direction dammit!

At the Paley Center for Media later that night she rushed through the gauntlet of fans waiting with a giant bouquet of flowers in her face like she just stole a funeral arrangement.  Again, no clear photo, though I did manage a photo with Liza Weil, who was incredibly nice despite the sociopathic, uptight doormat bitch in pearls she plays on TV.

But let's talk about the men, because if you think the men on this show are hot I can confirm they're even better in person.  Resident scruffy bad guy Charlie Weber is smoldering, even in a pair of jeans and hoodie,

and Billy Brown is a chiseled chocolate He-Man masterpiece.  Godiva ain't got shit on this man!

I'll Have What She's Having - The Christie Brinkley Edition

Christie Brinkley must be sipping from the fountain of youth or something, because at 61 years old she looks better than women half her age.  (I'm talking to you Kate Upton!).  Either that or she has much better luck picking surgeons than she does husbands.  Capitalizing on her looks, Christie made the talk show rounds promoting Timeless Beauty, her instruction manual for looking and feeling your best at any age.  If you follow her regiment you probably won’t look like this…but you can pretend, or she can pretend, because why not make the money on this freakish condition she has called winning the genetic lottery?