He Sees Dead People

Not to be confused with Macaulay Culkin, who is probably high on the good shit in a hipster commune somewhere in Williamsburg right now, Tyler Henry is that twinkie psychic star of Hollywood Medium with Tyler Henry on E!, which means that for a fee he can talk to the dead, like Prince (too soon?), my grandparents or Macaulay Culkin's career.

Nobody Was Harmed In The Taking Of This Photo

People keep trying to pass off Kendall Jenner and Gigi Hadid as supermodels....but they are not.  Christy Turlington is a supermodel.  Linda Evangelista is a supermodel.  Cindy Crawford and Claudia Schiffer are supermodels, the seemingly different early '90s species so statuesque, so perfectly structured, so effortlessly beautiful that it's hard to believe they're part of the same human race that birthed people like us.  So when I FINALLY had the Holy grail of supermodels, queen of the catwalk Naomi Campbell in a rare moment without shades when she rolled down the window of her SUV and there weren't a million people in the way, I pulled out my brass balls and asked for a photo with the beautiful monster.


Instead of throwing a phone at me, giving me three thousand pounds of shade or shoving a blood diamond down my throat she not only held up traffic to smile for this photo but personalized my CD (which was a huge success in Japan) while I blurted something out about how she's even more beautiful in person before I could catch myself.

Like She Cares About A Mirror Ball Trophy!

I don't know if you're watching Dancing With The Stars this season but if they put that deaf male model in a loincloth every week they've got a fan in me!  Anyway....Marla Maples was the celebrity voted out this week, which is funny considering she's only famous for breaking up Donald and Ivana Trump's marriage after getting knocked up and shotgun marrying him, setting herself up for life and giving her plenty of free time to be on Dancing With The Stars instead of getting a waitress job to pay the bills like the rest of the struggling actresses that didn't let billionaires cum in them back in the '90s.

What A Bunch Of Horseshit

My friend Jimmy Newell used to play Captain & Tennille's Love Will Keep Us Together on his orange and white Fisher Price record play over and over and over and over and over until we were brainwashed into believing that love could keep anything together, which is a crock of shit.  Love doesn't keep things together, codependence does.  Love is hard work, and if one person is doing all the work until they realize through years of therapy that it doesn't matter how loyal you are to someone, you can't change someone's heart and bad habits unless they want to themselves then it's only a matter of time before shit falls apart and Khloe and Lamar divorce and move on with their lives.  So fuck Captain & Tennille for lying to me all those years ago.

Same Shit, Different City

The last time I watched a TV show set in Dallas the housewives were Pam and Sue Ellen Ewing, Kristin shot JR and a whole season was a dream, but leave it to wonky-eyed Housewife wrangler Andy Cohen to drop his latest parade of cocktail dresses and delusion deep in the heart of Texas when The Real Housewives of Dallas premieres tonight at 10PM on Bravo.  Two of the women made the press rounds today but I haven't learned anybody's names yet and it's too soon to know if I like them.

An Evening With The 1%

From the day she was born into one of the wealthiest families in American history Gloria Vanderbilt's life has been surrounded by scandal, controversies, artists, royalty and unimaginable wealth and privilege.  The subject of a nasty custody battle at 10 years old, the heiress inherited a fortune, built a designer jeans empire, banged a string of famous lovers including Brando, Sinatra and Howard Hughes, and is the mother of silver fox Anderson Cooper.  I sat in awe last night at Barnes & Noble while they discussed their lives and their new book The Rainbow Comes and Goes: A Mother and Son on Life, Love and Loss because I thought she was dead.

A Pair of Queens

You may recognize him as Anthony Marentino from Sex and the City, but to me Mario Cantone is my neighbor Marion's brother, and if I hadn't dropped her name this little bitch would have walked right past me.  New York.....it's always who you know!