A Return to Old Hollywood Glamor

Having sat through all 127 hours of Sunday's Oscar telecast, I can honestly say I'm glad this award season is over.  And while I won't miss Giuliana and Joan dishing over who Lupita is wearing or whether Jared should wear his hair up or down, I will say that this new breed of basic bitches better pay close attention to the legends who showed them how to bring it this year.

Never in a million years did I think I'd be writing about Liza Minnelli's tits, but there she was on the red carpet giving me blue streaked melting Kris Jenner glamor, sans bra!  I KNOW!!  I've seen Liza in person a few times, and am usually too distracted by the bobbing head, undertaker makeup job or the sheer willpower it takes for her to stand upright to even notice that she HAD tits, but there they were around her elbows last night!  And that's before the show even started!  Jennifer Lawrence falling?  Amateur!

And how about Kim Novak?  Sure she was dazed and confused, sounded like a drunk Herman Munster and looked slightly embalmed, but Kim Novak is Hollywood royalty and demands respect!  She's 81 years old, bipolar, fell out of a bell tower twice in Vertigo, suffered nerve damage in a horseback riding accident and survived breast cancer, and she STILL did a better job presenting than that closet case Xenu freak with dyslexia and a dollar store weave.  Plus, Kim was on Falcon Crest with Lorenzo Lamas, and that alone gets her a free pass in my heart! 

And who can forget Jacqueline Bisset at the Golden Globes this year, giving rambling, incoherent acceptance speeches a new benchmark after trekking to the stage from her seat in the parking lot of the Coffee Bean two blocks away?  ("I just flew in from NY.  Boy are my arms tired!")

So girls, fire your stylists because SHIT IS REAL and there's a price to pay for being a beauty vanguard!  Some are born with it and some don't give a fuck, but if I have to put this much work into posting a picture of Jacqueline Bisset then you damn sure better bring out a better A-game, because I expect more Angelyne and less Angelina next year!