People's Sexiest Man Alive (?) and one of my musical idols

I don't understand the appeal of Brad Pitt, but man can his milkshake bring all the girls to the yard.  Or in this case, every middle aged, hair teased in a thousand different directions but the right one, comfortable shoe wearing, large purse or fanny pack carrying yenta in the tri-state area who could waddle her fat ass to Times Square Monday morning for his heavily-hyped-to-ensure-that-the-Today-Show-remains-number-two-in-the-ratings Good Morning America appearance.  Except for the Ocean's Eleven franchise (which is an ensemble and shouldn't really count), his films are insufferable, and he only got interesting when he started fucking Angelina Jolie, but you would think he was the second coming of Christ the way these women packed in like a Chinese subway to catch a glimpse.  Looking like a haggard puddle of grease and dirty bong water that just rolled out of bed, got the child army off to school, and toked a blunt on the way to the interview, GMA dragged him outside in a massive security effort, sat him right down in the middle of Times Square, and forced the normally hard news reporting George Stephanopoulos to blow smoke up his ass about his new movie World War Z, which he and Angelina have been promoting all over the globe while holding auditions for their next child.  I guess she was too good to get up early and drag herself to GMA, or maybe security just told her 'bitch stay home, we can't handle that.'

I positioned myself right at the edge of the crowd, next to the rope and right against the makeshift walkway, the perfect spot to get a clear shot of Brad leaving the interview.  If he didn't stop to sign autographs, I'd have to snap quickly, but it was possible.  Thankfully it didn't matter.  Ever the professional, Brad stopped, signed autographs, and took pictures all the way down the line to the waiting SUV.  The crowd went WILD.  Lady shrieks in every shape, size and accent filled the air, people pushing and shoving to get a better glimpse.  It was total madness!  A lady next to me kept pushing me.  In my million years of clubbing and paparazzi-ing (I made that last word up) I've learned how to stand firm like a statue, but this bitch wouldn't let up and I had to lean hard toward her and knock her off me and off balance.  Whoops!  Bitch started getting mouthy, complaining that I pushed her, and I had to point out that lady it's crowded and everyone's pushing but she didn't like that so much and started crying out 'assault, I need an officer.'  As if!  I walked away laughing at what a cosmic, overreacting cunt she was, and silently pleased that she didn't get her picture.  Kevin, like karma, is a bitch.

A determined bitch.  At 1PM I headed over to Saks Fifth Avenue to pick up Kylie Fashion, a coffee table book recounting Kylie Minogue's history with the world's top designers.  Express elevator up to the eighth floor designer shoe department where the event was being held, and there were the books in glass cases like artifacts at the Smithsonian or the crown jewels of some long-forgotten royalty.  Yeah, um...they're books.  Speaking with the manager, Lisa, I was informed that Rizzoli's was putting the books on sale at 2PM, instead of 1PM as I was told, and that Saks had nothing to do with the event except for providing the space.  FUCK!  I had three hours of unnecessary computer training at 2PM, so there was no way I could wait around.  Lisa told one of the associates to put a book aside for me when they went on sale and leave it in her office, then told me get back to the store around 4 because it would be crowded.  I thanked them profusely, rushed back to work and rescheduled my computer training.  Anyone who knows me knows I LOVE KYLIE MINOGUE and there was no way in hell I was going to miss the chance to meet her!  Windows 7.  Who doesn't know how to use that?  I mean really! 

Finishing my lunch, I started questioning the wisdom of relying on someone else, and decided to march back over to Saks at 2PM and get the book myself.  A line had formed by the time I got there, so I waited.  And waited.  And waited.  Finally someone from Rizzoli's showed up, took their damn time getting everything set up, and eventually started selling books.  When I finally got to the salesperson, I was given a ticket along with my book and informed I was 24th in line, and that the lineup would begin at 4:45.  Sweet Jesus!  Number 24 in line, and they were going to honor the numbers!  Thank you!  Thank you!  Thank you!  It's a good thing I went back to buy my own book or I would have been FUCKED!  I floated back to the office on cloud nine and couldn't tell you one thing I did at work the rest of the day.

At 4:30 I made my way back to Saks for the third time in as many hours.  The step and repeat was set up off the fifty first street entrance, just before the elevators, and I was tempted to wait there and snap some shots on the red carpet, but something told me get upstairs.  Nothing is guaranteed until you're in that line, so don't fuck it up now.  As the elevator door opened, I'm glad I did.  The line of queens wrapped all the way around the floor and back again!  It was gay, gay, gay in shoe land!  Someone showed me my place in line (yeah!) and we waited.  And waited.  And waited.  4:45.  5:00.  5:15.  As it got closer to the 5:30 scheduled start, the anticipation grew.  The girl behind me kept gasping everytime the elevator door opened, both of us peering down the line to see if it was Kylie. 

And then, like a vision of champagne bubbles and pixie dust, there she was!  And boy was she TINY!  I mean, I knew she was petite, but she always looked taller on stage!  The crowd went wild, flashbulbs going off in all directions, queens trying to navigate the columns and shoe displays and store decor for a glimpse of the goddess!  Kylie took time to chat with each person as she signed their book, and the line steadily moved along like a well-oiled machine.  I happily snapped away as the queen in front of me was all chatty cathy with Kylie about something or other, keeping her looking up the whole time.  Thanks girl!  And then it was my turn!  Kylie took my hand (yes, I touched Kylie Minogue!  I am SO gay for being excited about that, but I am and I don't care what you think!) and thanked me for coming, as if there was any other option.  I thanked her for putting the book out and for her music, which I discovered when I was laid up in a Spanish hospital after an unfortunate incident with a bull, a story I've told a few celebrities over the years because it makes good conversation but is a little white lie because the only music I remember from those lonely nights in the hospital is 'Angels' from Robbie Williams and Sonny and Cher's 'I Got You Babe.'  And just like that, my moment with Kylie was over.  The hours of preparation and anticipation, the build up, the running around and rescheduling and stressing out and waiting, waiting, waiting.  And it was ALL WORTH IT!