The Only Issue I Ever Buy

The Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue hit stands Monday, and while I've never cared for sports I've been a fan of beautiful, nearly naked women making other girls insecure while teasing guys with quality pussy they'll never fuck since Paulina Porizkova made the cover in 1984.  This fascination probably comes from my mother not letting me play with dolls as a kid, and it's what led me to the Sports Illustrated Swim City fan event in Herald Square.  Billed as a chance to 'meet' this year's swimsuit models, it was more like beautiful girls behind a velvet rope taking selfies with each other and sipping Starbucks on the couch while ignoring virgin loser fan boys.  Just like real life.

The models, who you can see in bikinis all year around thanks to Instagram, included covergirl Hannah Davis, who kept that bald pubic mound covered

Nina Agdal (who was dumped by Adam Levine AND Leonardo DiCaprio, probably because she's a boring fuck who just lays there while they do all the work) posing with Samantha Hoopes (who looks like she'll push a bitch down a flight of stairs ala Showgirls if it gets her the cover next year),

Sara Sampaio, taking a photo with Victoria's Secret Angel Lily Aldridge and fake girlfriend to a homo soccer star Irina Shayk, who barely moved from the couch the entire time she was there,

Gigi Hadid, the only successful child to ever come out of the Real Housewives franchise unscathed,

and Chanel Iman, the affirmative action Victoria's Secret model chosen to replace Tyra.