Kiss My Grits!

Road trips fucking suck.  When I was a kid my grandparents and I drove cross country to visit relatives in Albuquerque and Phoenix and the experience traumatized me.  Sure I got to see the Gateway Arch and the Grand Canyon and I got to watch the Miss Universe pageant in a motel room in Shamrock, Texas (!), but nothing prepares an eleven year old for an eighteen wheeler honking at you while you're taking a shit on the side of the road because you can't hold it in until the next rest area.  To this day I don't like eating or drinking before I get in a car.  On top of that, Alice and Flo weren't working in ANY of the roadside diners we stopped at, and that was a major letdown.  Good thing Linda Lavin is doing Broadway right now and was kind enough to take this photo.  I didn't mention my road trip.

Very Young and Restless

Nobody likes getting sick, but I have fond memories of being sick as a child because that meant one thing: going to Grandma's house for the day while my parents were at work.  At 12:30 on the dot my Grandma and I would sit down with our apples, which she carefully pared and sliced because who cares about nutrients, and catch up with our friends in Genoa City on The Young and the Restless.  Weddings, births and the reveal of an evil twin were all part of my coming of age process thanks to those afternoons, and I'd like to think that in her own unique way my Grandma helped prepare me for the world.  Let's face it, if Ashley Abbott can have an affair with Victor Newman, who is married to Nikki, who is having an affair with Ashley's brother Jack, abort Victor's child after he returns to Nikki when she's diagnosed with cancer, then marry the doctor who nurses her back to health after she suffers a mental breakdown, then I can handle a bunch of demanding attorneys.


Fun fact: I wrote a fan letter to Eileen Davidson, who plays Ashley, way back in the mid 80's, and received what looked like an autopen signed photo taken at a Glamour Shots in the Valley, complete with teased hair, shoulder pads, garish makeup and a rich royal blue background.  She was much prettier today, and somewhere in heaven my Grandma is smiling at this photo and eating an apple.

She's Still Standing

When you stop and think about it, Brooke Shields has had one hell of a life.  Thrust into the spotlight at 11 months old by her alcoholic stage manager mother, she played a 12 year old prostitute, ran around the jungle with Christopher Atkins in a loincloth, partied with Halston, Andy and Liza at Studio 54 and was the world's most famous virgin until Superman came between her and her Calvins.  She "dated" Michael Jackson and was married to Andre Agassi during the meth years before setting down with some generic guy and a career as a celebrity endorser for crappy shit like Latisse and La-Z-Boy furniture.  It's a miracle she's as nice as she is and not the fucked up bitch she could have been.

Carmen Electra: Still Trying To Make Fetch Happen

Growing up, I knew this girl named Amy who was neither smart nor interesting.  She skated through junior high and high school on her good looks, and was one of the most popular girls in my class.  Last I heard, she was overweight, still single, and showed up to our high school reunion in a full gown like it was the senior prom all over again.  She reminds me of Carmen Electra, who defies gravity, space and time, age and dignity by being shameless and still trying to turn her limited talent into a career outside the strip club where it was destined to live, because I guess she needs to make money, but more importantly, she needs to be made to feel like she’s still pretty, because that validation is all she’s ever known.  Just like Amy.  If you went to the stripper supply store last night looking for ash blonde hair extensions and couldn't find any, Carmen Electra is the reason why.

Fine and Dandy

With the exception of Liz Taylor, Gaga's wardrobe and all the man ass running around the Hotel Cortez, American Horror Story: Hotel has been a huge yawnfest this season.  A tedious and predictable serial killer story line, measles infected child vampires and Chloë Sevigny's Victorian cut dresses have not made for an interesting season, and I'm prepared to jump off this sinking ship if Ryan Murphy can't stop cramming guest appearances down my throat at the expense of storyline.  No wonder Jessica Lange was like "Fuck this, I'm out." 


Thankfully, we've been treated to Cheyenne Jackson's pert bubble butt cavorting in bed with the Countess

and Finn Wittrock playing two forgettable characters that don't come close to Dandy Mott's gorgeous ass but still got naked anyway.

Next season better be set in the Hollywood Spa, where two gay nymphomaniacs (Matt Bomer and Zac Efron) fuck all night until the drugs run out and they're trapped there because the Sunday morning farmer's market is right outside and the last thing they want to do is stumble out of a bathhouse tweaking while some plastic blonde in Lululemon athletic wear is buying organic kale.  The horror! 

Where in the Universe is Carmen Sandiego?

When you're the most hated woman in Colombia you have to travel incognito, which might explain the Bianca Jagger as Carmen Sandiego look Miss Universe Ariadna Gutierrez Pia Alonzo Wurtzbach was working this morning while doing press in New York.  Those Latinas take their pageant shit seriously, so homegirl better be looking over her shoulder every day for the next twelve months while she's cutting ribbons and waving.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

The year 2015 will go down as the year of the transgender.  With Laverne Cox's trailblazing Emmy nomination and the very public 'coming out' of Caitlyn Jenner, the trans experience is less taboo and underground and more accessible to the mainstream than ever before.  Shows like Orange is the New Black and Transparent beaming transgender faces into our living rooms weekly and parents like Ally Sheedy speaking openly about their transgender children can only have a positive effect.  That's right...Ally Sheedy's son is transgender.  And as we step into 2016 that's no big deal.

                                           Laverne Cox

                                          Emmy award winning star of Transparent Jeffery Tambor

                                          Ally Sheedy