Auld Lang Syne

So here I am at the end of another year, reflecting on the events of the last 365 days.  So many pictures, so many memories, so many stories, and I can't help but feel grateful.

I'm grateful for a second chance to meet Sean Hayes, since I below the first chance, backstage at Promises Promises, with my wildly overenthusiastic anxiety about seeing Kristin Chenoweth.  (The only time I've lost my shit with a celebrity, and not one of my finer moments, as my boyfriend reminded me yet again tonight at dinner.)  I'm also grateful Sean didn't recall that first encounter.

I'm grateful that I didn't have to buy Never Play Music Next To The Zoo to snap pictures of John Lithgow reading children's books, complete with sound effects, at Books of Wonder.

I'm grateful that Gavin MacLeod was kind enough to stop for a photo on a cold morning when his publicist clearly didn't want him to,

and that John McEnroe stopped to sign a few autographs, even if he wouldn't look up.

I'm thankful that there's going to be an Entourage movie, and that Jerry Ferrara was as cool as I hoped he'd be,

and that there's going to be one more season of Vampire Bill and Tara on True Blood.

I'm thankful that Chrissy Tiegen signed the photo I took of her at Heidi Klum's Halloween party like she said she would,

and that the people at Macy's weren't dicks when I asked her to.

I'm grateful that a line like 'Can I get a smile while you're signing?' still works on Liv Tyler 

and Juliette Lewis.

As I look back at the (many) photos I've taken this year, I can't help but be grateful to the friends I've made along the way - the folks who've kept me company in the bitter cold or scorching heat, shared tips about who's going to be where when, or snapped the 'photo with' so I didn't have to settle for a 'photo of.'  And I'm thankful to you freaks reading this blog for coming along for the ride this year.  You've indulged me in my lunacy, helped me find my footing describing what this craziness is is all about, and kept me going long after I would have given up on someone like Pete Wentz

So here's to 2014!  My camera is charging, I've got a new memory card, and I'm ready to hit the pavement.  Bring it on!

And The Oscar Goes To....

We interrupt your regularly scheduled dose of Housewives and has beens for this important announcement: A-list, award winning actors do appear on this blog every now and then too.  They tend to draw a bigger crowd of fans and autograph seekers, and are a hell of a lot more work, but as I've told my friend Ashleigh many times, never underestimate me.

James Caan was at Sirius in September to promote some TV show that's already been cancelled, and I'm just now getting around to posting the picture, but since it took me twenty three years to see him in Misery (where Kathy Bates stole the show, looking disturbingly like my coworker Siobhan) and I've never seen The Godfather all in one sitting (I know, I'm a bad Italian), that's not so bad.

Sir Ian McKellen was at Today to promote something that wasn't X-Men, and the dude must save all his energy for the camera because he has zero personality in real life.

And I'm not sure who thought putting Michael Douglas, Morgan Freeman and Kevin Kline in a movie together was a good idea, but more people saw their Today Show interview than saw their bomb Last Vegas.

I even managed to snap a few shots of Shirley MacLaine at a Hudson Union Society event before the fat bitch sitting next to me announced that she thought it was rude and I had to get all Bon Qui Qui on her ass and show her what rude really is.  Next time, she'll pick another seat.

We now return you to your regularly scheduled program, already in progress.

A Truly New York City Moment

Yesterday, in one of those 'only in NYC' moments that make the city so magical, punk poet queen Patti Smith paid tribute to French novelist Jean Genet with a 90 minute set of spoken word, poetry and music in the atrium of the Museum of Modern Art to celebrate what would have been the political activist's 103rd birthday.  I'm not familiar with Genet, and as familiar with Smith as I am with vagina (which isn't much), but to hear this NY icon sing an acoustic 'Because The Night', lit only by the grey December sky, is a haunting experience I'll never forget.  Lunch hours in New York can be so cool!

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out!

Forget about Miracle on 34th Street and It's a Wonderful Life, the best Christmas movie of all time is A Christmas Story, the wonderfully demented saga of Ralphie Parker's quest for 'an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two hundred shot range model air rifle.'  I remember my dad taking my brother and I to see it at the theater when it first came out (that's right bitches, I'm old) and howling with laughter at Ralphie's schemes, humiliations and the objections of others warning him 'you'll shoot your eye out.'  I must have seen this movie a hundred times since, and it's as much a part of Christmas for me as Santa, Rudolph or Jesus, so it was really cool to meet Peter Billingsley, the original Ralphie Parker, today at Rockefeller Center, both eyes intact.

There Goes My Hero!

It's not every day you get to meet one of your heroes, but tonight I got to meet one of mine, legendary paparazzo Ron Galella!  Considered the most controversial celebrity photographer in the world, Ron is most famous for his pictures of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis (below) and the court orders imposed on him to stay away from her.  His subjects have included everyone from Sonny and Cher, Elvis and Michael Jackson to anyone who ever stepped foot in Studio 54, and he's had his jaw broken by no less than Marlon Brando.  He is an inspiration to me every time I pick up my camera, and it was an honor to meet him tonight.

It's The Most Wonderful Time of The Year

Screw Christmas, I'm talking about the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show, which airs tonight at 10PM on CBS.  It's my annual date with Alessandra Ambrosio, Adriana Lima, Candice Swanepoel, the one who supposedly banged Bieber, the one engaged to Maroon 5 and the other one who's probably dating Leonardo DiCaprio, and I can't wait, and I can't explain why!  Maybe I get joy from watching girls who haven't eaten in a week trying to balance 90 pound angel wings while trying to walk gracefully down a glittery catwalk in their underwear without passing out from starvation?  I'm pretty fucked up like that.

Anyway, here's Karlie Kloss, Adriana Lima and I last night at Victoria's Secret in Herald Square.  And ladies, if the show doesn't give you self esteem issues, the fact that Adriana has two kids and looks like this should.

All The Divas To The Dancefloor!

Kelly Rowland is best known for being a backup singer in Beyonce and the Pussycats before Beyonce said 'fuck this shit and these latch on bitches, I'm gonna go blossom on my own cause I'm a goddess' and left her and that other chick scrambling for careers because their dad wasn't the manager while she went on to make millions with brainless songs I used to dance to in the clubs when I was high.  With the exception of 'When Love Takes Over' (which I can hear in my head right now just by typing the title), Kelly hasn't had much success on the music charts, which makes her the perfect person to sit on the judge's panel of The X-Factor, Fox's Family Dollar version of American Idol.  Let's face it, if anyone knows how to sit on the sidelines and help someone else get famous, it's Kelly Rowland.  She's the best part of the shitty show, giving me a weekly dose of beautiful face and House of Dereon style while I endure two hours of bad karaoke because I love my boyfriend and it's his favorite show.

Speaking of The X-Factor, British X-Factor winner Leona Lewis is in town to promote her new Christmas CD (which is what lazy people do instead of coming up with new music of their own) and help light the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree.  You remember 'Bleeding Love', Leona's one big hit about rough sex and vaginal tearing, with it's insufferable chorus 'keep bleeding, I keep keep bleeding' that will get stuck in your head for the rest of the night even if you're forced to watch The X-Factor like me, and you can thank me now for the early Christmas present of that song on infinite loop in your brain.  Happy Holidays!

But wait!  There's more!  Original diva Gloria Gaynor (I KNOW!) is also in town, and was at the Today Show this morning promoting something that wasn't 'I Will Survive', although they still made her perform the song so that every overweight, undersexed, elderly lady on the plaza could sing along to the biggest gay anthem in the history of music ever.  Every time I hear the song it bends me over the table and fucks me in the ass.  It's THAT gay!

Thankful For Childhood Memories and Nicollette Sheridan

My senior year of high school, my parents thought it would be a good idea for me to have a part time job to teach me responsibility, so I ended up working at this shitty burger and ice cream joint owned by the spoiled daughter of one of the town's richest, meanest men.  The food sucked, and the service sucked worse - we were all working for minimum wage and didn't really give a fuck about what you wanted on your burger or whether it was regular or diet coke, and nobody paid attention to the five second rule when a foot long hot dog fell on the floor and we put it back on the grill.  I don't think I learned responsibility, but I do remember singing Mad About You with my friend Theresa every time it came on the radio and gossiping with her and our coworker Donna about Knots Landing every week - she used to call it 'Knocks' because she was a forty something short order cook with a husband named Peanuts and a kid named Bean stuck in shit job in a go nowhere town, so why bother learning English?

Nicollette Sheridan played Paige Matheson on Knots Landing, and yesterday she made the rounds promoting some Hallmark TV movie she's in now that nobody will hire her after she sued ABC after getting fired from Desperate Housewives.  Probably not the smartest career move for an aging actress, but she also spent the better part of the last twenty years in a relationship with Michael Bolton so it's not the first questionable decision she's made.  She looks great, and could not have been nicer.  Thanks for the pic Nicollette, and for bringing back some great memories!  And in the off chance you're reading this, Happy Thanksgiving Theresa Centner and Donna Draggett!

That Time I Had Nothing To Say to Anjelica Huston

Meeting a celebrity is stressful.  Thoughts of what to say running through your head, rehearsing them over and over through your anxiety, hoping not to sound stupid when you finally have your chance, trying to stay cool and collected on the outside when you're a ball of nerves on the inside, and then in your moment you bleat out something so stupid they look at you with a blank stare and you walk away wishing you could crawl under a rock.   Yeah, well none of that happened with Anjelica Huston.  Instead, I was blank.  Nothing to say but 'It's a pleasure to meet you.'  I mean, what do you say?  'Nice hair?'  'I loved you in Smash?'

Why?

Today's Saturday side eye goes to me, for wasting mega pixels and camera memory on this bitch.  I like her much better when Tina Fey plays her.

I'm Not A Bitch, But I Play One On TV?

As anyone who watches American Horror Story knows, Jessica Lange is an incredible bitch.  With the turn of a phrase or a well directed look she can cut you to shreds without blinking an eye, because that's what bitches do.  I'd like to think she's a method actress, or maybe she's one of those Daniel Day-Lewis freaks who can't break character once she's in it?  How else to explain my recent experience with her?

A few weeks back, she was at Sirius in midtown, and with a curt 'No, I'm sorry' stepped into her waiting car, leaving Rick and I (literally, just Rick and I) stunned and disappointed.  OK, maybe she was in a hurry, or not feeling well, or whatever....I get it.  Last week, at the Today Show to promote some children's book she wrote (yeah, I know), she wouldn't even acknowledge the six people hoping for an autograph or a photo, walking brusquely past as if we were invisible.  And at a booksigning later that day, she refused to allow any photos with OR OF her to be taken (to which I promptly returned the book, unsigned).  She's a brilliant actress, but this coven NEEDS a new supreme.  Pretty Girl would have stopped.

Couldn't Be Happier!

I first 'met' Idina Menzel on the dancefloor in Palm Springs.  She was singing 'Defying Gravity' at the White Party and I was rolling on ecstasy and all was right in the world.  My roommate Andy was all excited about this girl from Rent and Wicked that I'd never heard of and I was all 'bitch slow your own roll, not mine' and kept right on dancing.  Eventually I saw Wicked and became obsessed, learning and quoting all the words to all the songs like a good little gay boy, and adding Idina and Kristin Chenoweth to my 'OMG I love her' list.  I've met Kristin a few times (more on THAT another day) and today I FINALLY got to meet Idina!  She doesn't have an extra eye that always remains awake or a soul so unclean pure water can melt her.  In fact, she couldn't be lovelier.

Thank goodness!  (And thanks Andy!)

Fat Albert Fuck You

This week's Saturday Side Eye goes to America's Grandpa treasure and the guy who taught us all how to love snack pudding, Bill Cosby!  The fuck you don't see in this picture is the fuck that Bill did not give this week when he arrived at Sirius studios for a town hall meet and greet in sweatpants.  Not a suit.  Not casual clothes.  Not even one of those ugly Cosby Show sweaters, but sweatpants!  He looked like he was headed down to the man cave to get comfortable in his Barqa Lounger for an afternoon of football, not like someone who was going to meet fans.  That, my friends, is what Fat Albert fuck you money can do!

Shine Bright Like a $10 Million Diamond and Ruby Encrusted Fantasy Bra

The Victoria's Secret Fashion Show is being filmed next week, to be broadcast in early December as an hour long paid advertisement so the billion dollar brand can push more product down the throats of fat girls everywhere who think the way to their man's heart is to put on something lacy and revealing instead of putting down the ice cream and joining a gym so the clasps on that made in China push up bra don't have to work so hard, and I can't wait!  Next to my boyfriend's birthday and our annual Joe's Pub date with Sandra Bernhard, this lingerie-show-through-the-eyes-of-a-Cirque-du-Soleil-costume-designer is my favorite part of the holidays - WAY better than that fag elf that wants to be a dentist!  Victoria's Secret angel Candice Swanepoel was in Times Square this morning to reveal the $10 million Fantasy Bra she'll be wearing during the show, and it better look a hell of a lot better on her than it did on the mannequin or it's overpriced.

That Time I Took Betsey Johnson To Dinner

We interrupt our regularly scheduled blog entry for this important announcement...the weirdest thing just happened to me on the way home from work.  So I'm getting off the F train at 63rd and Lexington, and since I missed the light I had to walk down to 61st and cut over Lexington to get home, which means nothing to anyone reading this that doesn't live in NY or know what I'm talking about.  So I'm walking across the street and pass what looks like a stylish bag lady when I do a double take in the middle of the intersection.....it's Betsey Johnson!  I'm literally standing there reaching for my camera in my bag while Betsey is looking confused about where she's going, and she sits down on a bench in front of this shitty Italian restaurant my boyfriend and I almost went to once but left after the waiter brought us water because the menu wasn't that great, and is totally looking like a homeless lady.  I walked up and politely asked 'Excuse me, aren't you Betsey Johnson?' and told her how much I loved her reality show, which didn't get picked up for a second season.  She asked if I knew where Scalinatella was, and since it's on the corner where I live I told her I'd walk her there and we got into a wonderful conversation about the show and her fashion line and the last year of her life, which I saw bits and pieces of on TV and when we got to Scalinatella she gave me a big hug and thanked me for walking with her and told me to take a selfie because you really can't trust someone else with your camera and selfies are so much more fun, which is why I look like a psyho in this picture.  I hate selfies!

I'm Going to Celebrity Rehab

These damn celebrities are popping up everywhere like Kardashians or Lindsay Lohan mugshots and I'm falling farther and farther behind trying to come up with witty banter about people I really couldn't give a shit about, so we're going to play a little game of catch up and then fine tune this bitch into something about people I care about.  I mean, what's there to say about Diedre Hall, except that she should lay off the botox

or James Spader, forever typecast as the sleazy, creeper bad guy freak that makes your skin crawl

or Andre Agassi, who I first met my freshman year of college, before either of us lost our hair, tried meth or met Brooke Shields.

And where do I go with this picture of Parker Posey, who hasn't been seen, heard from or relevant since the 90's,

Jeff Goldblum, whose career I still can't figure out,

or Dana Delaney, who was in Desperate Housewives in the boring middle years when not even Nicollette Sheridan as Edie Britt could keep me watching.

Do you see where I'm going here?  I mean, I STRUGGLE to make someone like Danica Patrick interesting,

and since I never got into Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the only interesting thing I can say about Sarah Michelle Gellar is that I'd rather see her husband Freddie Prinze, Jr.  Naked.

I'm not one of those inherently funny people like Robin Williams

or Rebel Wilson

who can make funny shit out of shit.  This is WORK people!  And I'm exhausted. But not in that Mariah Carey ice cream cart striptease/Britney Spears shaved head way.

So going forward I'm going to focus on the people I really care about, and less on the people that are just out whoring their latest project, which means less whatevers and more WOWs.  More Real Housewives and less blurry Tiffani-Amber Theissens.

And no Julianne Moore.  Ever.

The Fuck?

In the spirit of Throwback Thursday and Flashback Friday, I'd like to introduce Side eye Saturday, that day of the week where we throw a 'the fuck' look at that one special person, place or thing that demands our attention for all the wrong reasons.  Our first guest, Corey Feldman.  Corey is best known for being featured on a poster you kept on your closet door when Lost Boys first came out.  He also starred in other '80s gems like Goonies and Stand By Me, and attended all of Michael Jackson's slumber parties, which explains the Structure-going-out-of-business-sale wardrobe in this picture.  Peace out you Charlie Sheen on a budget wannabe.

Queen Shoots Princess - Film at Eleven

Last night was one of those nights where I really could have used a press pass.  Instead of standing at a barricade with a bunch of tourists who had no idea what was going on, yammering loudly in a language that sounded like machine gun fire, I could have been on the press riser with a direct view of Princess Charlene of Monaco at the Princess Grace Awards Gala.  I could have snapped a better photo of the dress with the neck shackle to keep her from escaping, since her jailer husband wasn't with her and a clear shot of the manufactured Stepford smile she learned from Katie Holmes.  Instead I had to dodge security people and settle for a side shot of Charlene giving glazed over happy face while silently thinking 'fuuuuuck myyyyy liiiiife' and searching for the nearest bar.

That Time I Met Mr. Tudball

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I'm a HUGE fan of The Carol Burnett Show.  I could sit for hours and watch the same sketches I've seen a million times already and laugh like I've never seen them before, which is either a testament to the quality of the show or the long term effects of all the partying I did when I lived in LA.  Legendary funnyman Tim Conway was in town to promote his memoir 'What's So Funny?:  My Hilarious Life' (free plug for the five of you that read this faithfully) and if I wasn't trying so hard to get the right angle that hides my double chin I'd look a lot more excited in this picture.  Now if they could only raise Harvey Korman from the dead I'd have met the whole cast (and no, Lyle Waggoner doesn't count...he wasn't funny).