Queen Shoots Princess - Film at Eleven

Last night was one of those nights where I really could have used a press pass.  Instead of standing at a barricade with a bunch of tourists who had no idea what was going on, yammering loudly in a language that sounded like machine gun fire, I could have been on the press riser with a direct view of Princess Charlene of Monaco at the Princess Grace Awards Gala.  I could have snapped a better photo of the dress with the neck shackle to keep her from escaping, since her jailer husband wasn't with her and a clear shot of the manufactured Stepford smile she learned from Katie Holmes.  Instead I had to dodge security people and settle for a side shot of Charlene giving glazed over happy face while silently thinking 'fuuuuuck myyyyy liiiiife' and searching for the nearest bar.

That Time I Met Mr. Tudball

Anyone who knows me or reads this blog knows I'm a HUGE fan of The Carol Burnett Show.  I could sit for hours and watch the same sketches I've seen a million times already and laugh like I've never seen them before, which is either a testament to the quality of the show or the long term effects of all the partying I did when I lived in LA.  Legendary funnyman Tim Conway was in town to promote his memoir 'What's So Funny?:  My Hilarious Life' (free plug for the five of you that read this faithfully) and if I wasn't trying so hard to get the right angle that hides my double chin I'd look a lot more excited in this picture.  Now if they could only raise Harvey Korman from the dead I'd have met the whole cast (and no, Lyle Waggoner doesn't count...he wasn't funny).

Whores Like Me

Jenna Jameson is an unstable junkie.  She's been kicked out of her home and her kids have been taken away from her.  She's a mess.  In town to promote some shitty erotic novel she 'wrote,' she was on Good Day NY yesterday, and in an EPIC meltdown she instead promoted the dangers of self medicating the psychological damage of a career taking loads on the face with drugs, alcohol, plastic surgery and abusive relationships.  BITCH FELL APART HARD ON LIVE TV!  (google it and thank me later)

Since I'm that guy who always looks at a car accident when I'm driving by, I had to go to the book signing today to see if Jenna was still full of pills and totally out of her mind.  I'm happy to report that she was better, and by better I mean upright and able to sign her name.  Baby steps.  Barnes & Noble has this strict policy of 'no photos with' I guess to keep the line moving, and the line of 25 people (no lie) moved pretty quickly, so I asked if I could get a photo with Jenna since I was last in line, and the staff said no and Jenna said 'yes, he's hot!' and here's my photo with Jenna Jameson.  On second thought, she's completely rational and clear headed and has never touched a drug in her life.  Yeah, that's it.

That Time Jody Watley Stood Me Up

I'd love to post a photo of me with Jody Watley, but sadly she couldn't tell time, or be on time, or something, so instead, here's a picture of my favorite Real Housewife of any season of any city (with the possible exception of that walking sippy cup Kim Richards) Lisa Hochstein at Sirius on Wednesday.  She may have been assembled in a doctors office, but the work isn't severe in person and she's a total doll - like a Barbie you want to dress up in fun clothes and do her hair and play with and not the cheap Asian blow up doll that you used to be able to buy at Spencer Gifts before they stopped selling that kind of thing you sucio fuck!

Music Makes The People Come Together

Today we're going with a music theme in honor of my friend Deborah's father Jon Anderson, whose group YES is nominated to the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame this year!

When he's not saving the rainforest, crusading for Amnesty International, doing yoga in an ashram, having tantric sex or maintaining a macrobiotic diet, Sting still makes music.  I don't know how he finds the time, but he does, and he did, and he was at The Today Show to promote it.  Last time I saw Sting was in LA, performing a collection of works by Elizabethan lutenist and songwriter John Doulard, and it was as awful as it sounds.  No Roxanne, and not one Message in a Bottle anywhere.  Let's hope the new music is better than that shit or he'll have lots of time for yoga.

Metallica was in town a few weeks ago to perform at the Apollo Theatre and promote some new movie they've got, because I guess they're still a thing.  So I'm walking to the subway after seeing Cher at The Today Show, and here's Metallica leaving Sirius studios, which was seriously too much culture shock for my gay brain to handle that morning.  If you're straight, this shot of Lars Ulrich might mean something to you, but it means nothing to me.

Speaking of gay, here's original Dreamgirl Sheryl Lee Ralph arriving at Sirius studios.  You might remember her from such classics as Moesha, Designing Women and It's a Living (shoutout to Ann Jillian, wherever you are!), but she's also a tireless AIDS activist and the producer of the annual fundraiser Divas Simply Singing, and it was truly an honor to meet her!

So then Alicia Keys was at Good Morning America, and she finally got her look right.

Last but not least, here's Paul Williams leaving Sirius studios.  He may not be a household name (unless you watch The Young and the Restless, but that's a different Paul Williams), but this man is LEGEND in the world of elevator music and K-Tel classics, responsible for writing We've Only Just Begun, Rainy Days and Mondays, Evergreen and Rainbow Connection.  I KNOW!  How do I not take a picture?

How Wonderful Life Is!

In what is probably the best thing to happen to me in a bathroom since my nights in the LA club scene (or that time at the Palace in Miami Beach), yesterday I stumbled across this tweet from Good Morning America while dropping a deuce:

I could barely contain my excitement as I typed up a quick email, wiped, flushed and headed to the gym, hoping by some miracle I'd make the VIP list.  Well God works in mysterious ways, and apparently my hotline to heaven is located in my bathroom, which is the only way to explain how I ended up sitting twenty feet from Sir Elton John this morning!  I figured he'd come out in that 80's Donald Duck outfit since Disney is ABC's parent company, but I guess it doesn't fit anymore and he opted for sequined Grandpa Howdy Doody instead.  Whatever!  He sounded incredible and I can now check 'an intimate audience while Elton John sings Your Song' off my bucket list!

I Saw Him Standing There

OK, so it's been a little quite in NYC this week, which means I really should be catching up on all the photos I haven't posted yet, but I've been hitting the gym like a junkie hits a crack pipe (and dropping weight like one too) and I'm so damn tired by the time I get home that I barely have time to reach for the remote let alone critique the exploding JoAnn Fabrics hell fashion sense of Paulina Rubio on The X-Factor, and uploading photos and being witty for you weirdos just hasn't been in the cards.

Until now.

And let me just say HOLY FUCK!!!

It's not every day that Paul McCartney decides to give an impromptu performance in Times Square while I'm walking back to work with my lunch (baked crab mixed with vegetables and fresh fruit) and this totally makes up for the lady with the fried blonde alien hair getting in the way of my Will I. Am picture, or Kelly Clarkson not stopping for the fans at GMA this morning, or the concierge with penis envy and the need to feel good about himself telling me that I couldn't wait inside Rockefeller Center to meet a friend for lunch (really Kim Coles leaving NY Live, but that's the story I told him) even though I've waited inside billions of times before.

Speaking of NY Live, here's me with Willie Garson, who played Stanford Blatch on Sex And The City, although it really looks like me with a relative, what with the matching double chins and receding hairlines.

Shitty Mothers Day

Another week, another Real Housewife at NY Live.  This time it's Alexia Echevarria, the self proclaimed 'Cuban Barbie' of The Real Housewives of Miami.  More like juvederm and queso blanco if you ask me.  Alexia's got one son recovering from a car accident, another getting arrested for drug possession and kicking homeless guys in the nuts, and a mother she's trying to crobar into this season like a bodega Mama Elsa.  To that I say 'Stop trying to make fetch happen!  It's not going to happen!'

And just when you thought she's finally gone away for good, attention whore Kate Gosselin is back like a herpes outbreak with a new cookbook.  Betty Crocker.  Julia Child.  Kate Gosselin.  Delusional much?  I get that she's gotta provide for those kids, but this just screams 'Look at me!  Pay attention to me!  Me!  Me!  Me!' and we stopped doing that during her dazed and constipated season of Dancing With The Stars.

Big Pendulous Breasts

Anyone who knows me knows I'm a huge fan of the Howard Stern show.  I've been listening since 1997 when I lived in DC and my coworker Sherry and I would listen on the shitty little FM radio in my office when we really should have been working, (and I blame her for my sixteen year and counting addiction to strippers, midgets and retards every morning with my coffee), so it was a huge thrill to finally meet Robin Quivers, the voice of reason in the Stern Show insanity, yesterday at Rockefeller Center.  The songs are right - her tits are HUGE!

Speaking of huge tits, here's porn legend Seka leaving Sirius studios in midtown.  I'm not nearly as familiar with her work.

That Time I (Accidentally) Copped A Feel Of Andie MacDowell

Her acting is 'meh' and the only thing you really see her in these days are those well-lit L'Oreal ads, but Andie MacDowell is incredibly down to earth and likeable.  Strikingly beautiful without any obvious work, she was kind enough to take a photo with me today even though she was running late, and that's when it happened....I reached my arm around her waist and her giant Chanel bag cock-blocked me, forcing my hand lower, before resting gently at the top of her ass.  And what an ass it was!  My friend Kim told me I don't smile enough in these pictures, so please take note of the shit eating grin on my face.  Thanks Andie!

Gis and Liz

Sometimes my camera acts like a horny, starstruck teenager in the presence of a beautiful woman (or Khloe Kardashian), refusing to focus or snap a shot at that critical moment in some kind of technology performance anxiety fuck you to me.  Unfortunately, this happened a few weeks back at the Today Show, when the really, really ridiculously good looking Gisele Bundchen arrived for a segment, which is why this picture looks like a LaChapelle with Parkinsons.  This girl is gorgeous, rich, thin, and has a perfect husband, but she still doesn't hold a candle to Naomi Campbell.

Thankfully, my camera decided to cooperate for Elizabeth Hurley.  You know her from Austin Powers, but to me she'll always be the girl in the safety pin dress that Hugh Grant cheated on with a Hollywood boulevard hooker.  Elizabeth was in town to promote National Breast Cancer Awareness Month because she's probably a good person but more likely because she's getting up there in model years and nobody is paying attention to her breasts anymore.

When I Was Younger, So Much Younger Than Today

So yesterday was my birthday, and I sat there blowing out candles and reflecting on another year gone by, thinking back to my childhood when life was easier and cake didn't have calories and I could play outside with my friends until dinner was ready and then watch all the cool shows like Charlie's Angels and Rhoda and Laverne & Shirley on network TV way before Nick at Night made me feel old by calling them classics.  As a huge fan of The Carol Burnett Show, one of my favorite sketches was 'The Family'.  Carol Burnett and Vicki Lawrence were comedy gold as Eunice and her Mama, so it was a thrill to meet Vicki on the ho stroll promoting the Mama's Family dvd release.  Here's where I'd usually insert some bitchy comment, but I WILL NOT do that to a comedy legend who's responsible for one of the greatest songs of all time, 'The Night The Lights Went Out In Georgia'.  She looked great and was incredibly nice, but would it have killed her to show up in costume with that sexy Iola Boylan with her?

Scott Baio is a skeezy conservative jerk-off who has milked his Chachi/Charles in Charge fame for about twenty years too long.  Scott was the David Spade of the 70's, partying at the Playboy Mansion and fucking girls fresh off the bus from the midwest when they still had dreams of stardom, before drugs and desperation led them over the hills to the valley and a career in porn.  With a list of conquests including Heather Locklear, Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Brooke Shields and Nicolette Sheridan, his cock was like a B-list casting couch.  Now he just looks old and tired.

Remember the other day when you were wondering what ever happened to Weird Al Yankovic?  Well, I'm here to tell you he's got a new book coming out, and he was in town last week to pimp it out.  I remember listening to Weird Al on my cousin Jeff's Sony walkman, way back in the early 80's before mp3s and ipods or cds, back when you had to put a quarter on the needle so the record didn't skip or spend hours winding the tape back into your cassette with a pencil after the player ate it, because that's when music was real and you had to work for it goddammit!  Al's been beating the same song parody dead horse for thirty years now, earning three, count 'em three, Grammy awards, bless his heart and horrifying hair.

Another true survivor, Michael J. Fox is back with a new TV show, and I give him mad props because he's in pretty bad shape right now.  Back in my senior year of college, my roommates and I would take study breaks, hit the McDonald's drive through and pop in an episode of Family Ties (because my roommate Todd wanted to be just like Alex P. Keaton, and kinda is now) or Cheers (because my roommate Glenn just wanted a beer and a laugh) but they never let me put on Twin Peaks because a midget in a red suit talking backwards about a dead girl wrapped in plastic was too heavy for them during finals.  Bastards!!  Anyway, here's Michael J. Fox signing autographs outside Sirius like a true professional, and I really hope his show does well because it's heartbreaking to see him now and I don't even have a heart.