The Second Annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Ignore the Fan Event

This morning I went to the gym and did 45 minutes of cardio, then had a ham, egg and cheese on croissant with sausage and hashbrowns without feeling any guilt.  That's because, for the first time in the history of the world, a 'plus size' model is appearing on the cover of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit issue.  One of the covers actually.  In an effort to increase sales celebrate all body types, Sports Illustrated released three different collector's covers featuring blonde war machine Ronda Rousey (in body paint by my friend Joanne Gair), all American beauty and future DiCaprio girlfriend Hailey Clauson, and size 16 stunner Ashley Graham.  And then they congratulated themselves for being 'inclusive' instead of the money hungry, opportunistic bullshitters they really are.  Having Ashley as the ONLY cover model would have been inclusive, but let's face it, they're not THAT brave. 


For the second year in a row, a 'fan event' was held, where people could meet and take photos with the models stand on one side of a cramped, roped off section while the models sat comfortably on couches comparing celebrity boyfriend stories, updating their social media, and ignoring all the losers who aren't rich, famous or handsome enough to get their attention.  Kinda like a petting zoo without any petting.  Luckily, I'm a pro at this, so I got to pet the animals.