Let's face it, being a child star is hazardous to your health. Witness Britney Spears, under conservatorship since 2007 after an epic public meltdown. I always hoped I'd catch her mid 5150, barefoot with a cigarette in one hand and a bag of Cheetos in the other, mumbling to herself with a fake British accent at the Starbuck's in West Hollywood, but God works in mysterious ways and that never happened. Witness Lindsay Lohan, back in rehab for the sixth time. She spends so much time in court that her life looks like a Law & Order: SVU k-hole. Witness Amanda Bynes, TMZ's current dream come true, melting down as we speak, and likely to do something else crazy before you finish reading this blog entry. And don't get me started with that pot-smoking, shit talking, monkey abandoning, speed demon lipstick lesbian Justin Bieber.
It makes me long for the good old days when Jody Foster went to college and nothing came between Brooke and her Calvins. Back in the days when, for every Dana Plato, Corey Haim or Macauley Culkin who rode their fame straight through the tabloids there's a Neil Patrick Harris, Ron Howard or Olson twin navigating their way safely. Some even go full blown religious, like that homophobic, career evaporated evangelical crazy Kirk Cameron, or magic underwear-wearing super Mormon Ricky, no Rick, no Ricky Schroder, who was at Fox & Friends this morning promoting God only knows what. I managed to catch him leaving the studio thanks to a tip from Marie, who was there getting autographs. He posed for a picture, which would have been SO much better if he'd ridden out of the studio on that scale model freight train from Silver Spoons, which was the best part of that shit show that made him famous in the '80s.
Jesse Eisenberg was at Good Morning America this morning, but what can I write about him except that he has no ass, and his pants hung like an Eminem-wannabe rapper, except he wasn't trying to be gangsta and just has no ass.
I was really hoping to catch Tan Mom leaving Sirius, because what a fucked up picture THAT would have been, but Howard Stern interviewed her before Katie Couric this morning for some reason, and I just couldn't get there in time. Speaking of crazy, I wonder what Amanda Bynes is doing right now?
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