Famous Faces In NYC - The Cliffnote Edition

Once upon a time I had the bright idea of writing about my experience each day snapping pictures of celebrities around town.  That was back in the days when I'd catch one or two people on my way to work, and it was easy breezy to be snappish about the experience.  But now these fuckers are showing up everywhere, two and three and four at a time, and it's been tough keeping this blog current and witty, while still getting to the gym every morning, giving my boyfriend attention and still getting a decent night of sleep.  So bare with me while we hit some highlights for some people who, frankly, weren't that interesting to begin with.

Good Morning America's final Central Park concert series featured Alicia Keys, and what in Moe Howard hell did she do to her hair?  Girl, fire whoever did that to you, and can the stylist who put you in those hot pink pants that make your ass look fat too!  Instead of singing Empire State of Mind (which would seem like a no brainer in Central Park) she pulled out Girl on Fire and a Listen to Your Heart/No One medley before dragging out Maxwell (who I remember from his Urban Hang Suite and my black boy dating phase, circa 1993) for another song that wasn't Empire State of Mind.  Missed opportunity, but at least she sounded good.

Another girl with a tremendous voice is Emile Sande.  Try as I might, I've got nothing to say about her except that she kept the fans waiting longer than anyone at this stage of her career should.

So then it was Fashion Week, and the Fashion Police were out in full force at the Today Show (and it's nice to see the Today Show finally booking a good guest.  I thought they'd given up.)  Kelly Osbourne's skin is so pale she looked translucent, like she belongs in a Tim Burton movie.  She must bathe in baby powder, and her gleaming white porcelain skin did all sorts of fuckery with my camera.

Joan Rivers showed up in a limousine because she's Joan fucking Rivers and why not?

George Kotsiopoulos wore a hideous blue jacket made from the skin of a thousand Smurfs and looked like he was clenching his asscheeks to keep the buttplug in, and I couldn't be bothered to wait for that bobble head praying mantis Giuliana to show up because at least one of us had to eat breakfast that day.

Also in town during Fashion Week was Alison Sweeney, host of The Biggest Loser, star of Days of Our Lives, and featured on the cover of every issue of Soap Opera Digest for the past hundred years because fans really seem to connect to her wooden acting skills, average looks and stupid storylines like when she shot her rapist in the head and then married him, because THAT'S realistic!  As a former porker, it's probably good for her ego to stand next to all the fatties that Biggest Loser exploits for ratings when all she really wants to do is reach for a donut.

So then Ricky Gervais just happened to be walking down West 48th street while I was waiting for that bitch Julianne Moore (more about that another time, and then never again) and he couldn't have been nicer, stopping to chat, pose and sign autographs on his way to wherever, with no security, bodyguard or attitude whatsoever.

If you told me two years ago that the Glee star destined to be in a Robert DeNiro/Michelle Pfeiffer film was Dianna Agron, I'd have told you you're out of your mind, but there she was at Good Morning America promoting The Family anyway.  Dianna's much prettier in person, and must have fired the budget red carpet stylist she used to use because she's looking flawless lately.  Kudos to her for stepping out of the shadows of 'Look at me, I have perfect pitch and I'm thin and beautiful' Lea Michele.

 Alyson Hannigan will forever be known as the girl who stuck a flute up her pussy one time at band camp, so there's nothing I can add to top that, but she looked really cold promoting Children's Health Fund at Fox & Friends.  Someone please hand her a jacket.  And some soup.

Speaking of soup, Ana Ortiz, star of my latest guilty pleasure Devious Maids, was in Times Square to promote Campbell's Soup because she got paid a lot of money  I don't know why.  She was very nice to the fans, and much tinier and prettier in person, in spite of that Mr. Ed jaw.

 And that's not all, but it's dinner time and I'm getting carpal tunnel typing all of this, so stay tuned for more, coming soon!

Cher Leaves Me Speechless

Although I am gay (very gay according to some), today was the first time I've ever seen Cher live in concert.  Before you bitches judge me for this blasphemy, let me just say that I had tickets for her show at Caesars Palace a few years back, got all the way to Vegas, had an amazing day by the pool tanning and relaxing, showered, shaved and got dressed to the nines, only to find a note on the venue door saying the show was cancelled due to illness, which must have been contagious because I suddenly felt ill too.  So today was a dream come true (and very dreamlike considering it started at 5AM).

There are no words to describe what I felt when Cher took the stage, and no words to describe what I'm feeling now except exhaustion, elation and an incredible soreness in my upper body since I spent the entire half hour (plus sound check) trying to snap pictures above the crowd, dodging the old lesbian in front of me with her hand up like she was some badass rocking out at a Judas Priest concert, this queen with Vanilla Ice hair who recorded the whole show on her pink iPhone and the slow adult (and I'm being VERY generous here) next to me who couldn't stand still and kept banging into me while shouting 'I love you Cher' at the top of his lungs because she didn't hear him the first thousand times he said it and he wanted to make sure she knew.

A HUGE thank you to my friend Miguel for scoring the fan passes!

Big Tits, Reality TV and NY Live

Judging by some of the guests in the last few weeks, the talent booker at NY Live is either a queen with a great sense of humor or a straight guy with a tit fetish.

First up, Big Ang, the mush mouthed, melon chested Staten Island socialite who is the breakout star of VH1's Mob Wives.  I don't have a clue what she's saying pretty much ever and her tits are as big as my head, but this Halloween tranny is FIERCE!

I also ran into Adriana De Moura, the Brazilian drama queen grifting her way through The Real Housewives of Miami.  My friend Andy will say I'm a hypocrite because I'm firmly team Lea (and if you don't know what I'm talking about you should probably skip ahead to the next paragraph) but as she was leaving NY Live I told Adriana I loved her on the show (technically no a lie - she adds drama wherever she goes).  Hey, a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to get the picture.

Also at NY Live, Kendra Wilkinson, the star of every reality TV show that has ever been on television or ever will be, including The Girls Next Door, Kendra, Kendra on Top, Dancing With The Stars, Celebrity Wife Swap, Celebrity Family Feud, Celebrity Rap Star, Splash and a sex tape she released and pretended she didn't.  I feel kinda gyped because the Indian girl that lives next door to me and plays that jai-ho music and makes the hallway smell like curry doesn't look anything like this, but Kendra slept with Hef (ponder that for a moment on an empty stomach) so I guess a career in reality TV is her payola.

Note to the NY Live booker: Pamela Anderson and Dolly Parton also have big tits.  Please call them.  Stat!

All Hail Cristal Conners!

Ever since the magic piece of trash masterpiece Showgirls changed my life in 1995, I've been obsessed with Gina Gershon.  She oozes sex appeal with that luscious mouth, those beautiful tits and that bad girl attitude.  Hell, Gina IS sex!  At Sirius today to promote the Lifetime movie House of Versace (destined to be a classic and an annual event in my home), Gina was everything I hoped she'd be, taking time to sign my copy of her book when I mentioned that my friend Deborah shot her for the cover and promising to pose for a photo on the way out.  A couple hours later, true to her word, Gina signed autographs and posed while her publicist used the 'we're running late' line trying to rush her off (Note to publicists:  if your client is running late, perhaps you should take some time management classes and get a handle on that shit) and for a split second there, with my arm around her waist, Gina Gershon could have turned me straight.  But then I returned to my senses and realized I'd rather just hear her say “You are a whore, darlin’. We all are. We take the cash, we cash the check, we show them what they want to see” over and over again.  The force is strong in that one! 

Jon Voight Needs Some Attention

Jon Voight used to be known for his acting talent, but the Academy Award winner took a sharp right turn in a left leaning town and has dropped off the radar, which gives him plenty of time to listen to right wing news and radio broadcasts, stock up on gold and weapons in preparation for the end and drunk dial Angelina Jolie in increasingly desperate attempts to get back into her good graces.  Jon left the bunker on his property recently to promote his bit part in Getaway, the shittiest movie of 2013, at NY Live, and was happy to stop for anyone who would pay attention. 

Hot or Not?

In boring celebrity appearances that I've been struggling to write about because I couldn't find an interesting angle, Patrick Dempsey was at Good Morning America to hype Grey's Anatomy and some racing miniseries he's in and he is more McSleepy than McDreamy in person let me just tell you.  His average looks and mediocre acting nearly put me to sleep watching Made of Honor with this nelly muscle queen I met online when I lived in LA who met me at the Arclight in the tightest acid wash jeans and orange t-shirt anyone has ever worn outside of the International Male catalog since 1985 and picked the movie because he heard it was 'a good date movie' which it was not.  So after the movie we get some ice cream and go back to my place, where this queen strips butt naked in my living room the minute she walks in, and being the good hostess I am we have sex right on the couch, because if I'm going to sit through a shitty Patrick Dempsey film I'm damn sure getting laid!

Another actor who was disappointing in person was Orlando Bloom, who exuded zero sex appeal while promoting the greatest love story ever told, Romeo & Juliet, on Broadway.  I guess it's good that he's still getting work since he's not really relevant or a good actor and looks more like a pretty boy who sits in a tub full of bath salts drinking herbal tea and reading scripts than  the smoldering heartthrob we were led to believe he would be.  The only thing interesting about Orlando is his wife Miranda Kerr, and that's just until she trades up for an A-lister.

My Second Date With Naomi Campbell

Since things went so well the first time, Naomi Campbell and I decided to have another date.  Technically, Naomi decided to film the season premiere of The Face in Bryant Park yesterday and I decided to stop by and take some pictures, but whatever for semantics.  Because she's a total cunt who runs the show and could not stand them, season one judges Karolina Kurkova and Coco Rocha were replaced by Anne V and Lydia Hearst (who?), pretty much guaranteeing that Naomi is the crown jewel of the show from now until Eternity by Calvin Klein and completely missing the golden opportunity to hire Linda Evangelista and Christy Turlington for what would have been the fiercest judges panel in the history of television or judging or life EVER!  Let's hope she took better precautions choosing contestants, since the girl she mentored last season snatched her Russian billionaire boyfriend right out from under her weave!

Here's Naomi on the set yesterday looking like an African goddess-dominatrix all long and lean and tight bodied, Anne V decidedly less glamorous and poor little Lydia giving her best Cady Haron in the lunchroom with the Plastics on the first day of school.  I can't wait to see Naomi reach into her Chanel clutch, pull out a bottle of hot sauce, slather it all over Lydia and eat her alive!

Miami Nice!

I've always felt a connection to Gloria Estefan throughout my life.  I know that sounds weird, considering she's a Cuban immigrant turned global superstar and I'm an Italian queen turning another year older, but hear me out...

Gloria performed at Chautauqua Institution in upstate NY in 1985, at the height of the Conga craze, and I didn't go to that concert with my church CYO gruop (I know, right?) because those kids were boring.  She symbolized Miami, and I bought her greatest hits CD at Uncle Sam's Music in Miami (and vowed that one day I'd live in Miami too).  She lives on Star Island, and I would drive past Star Island on my way to work every morning when I finally moved to Miami.  She almost died in a bus accident, and released 'Coming Out of the Dark' as her triumphant return, and I almost died getting trampled by a bull in Pamplona, and heard 'Coming Out of the Dark' on over and over on Spanish radio in the hospital when I couldn't sleep at night.  You get the idea.

Well, Gloria's been in NYC this week to promote her new album The Standards, and one of her stops was Sirius studios, which is a block from my office.  You guessed it.....I was there!  It wasn't the first time I've seen her in person (stairwell at the parking garage of the South Beach movie theatre/assisting her and her daughter at Lucky Brand on Lincoln Road) but it was the first time I could tell her how much her music means to me, and she couldn't have been nicer!

Janice Fucking Dickinson!

Janice Dickinson is like a box of (melting) chocolate...you never know what you're gonna get.  Insane Janice?  Sloppy Janice?  Angry Janice?  Pulled it together Janice?  You just never know what's gonna step out of the car.  Today I got all that Janice and more when she arrived at Better TV.  (What's that, you ask?  I don't know either.)

Looking dazed and confused, Janice autographed a photo I took of her in 2006 at White Party Palm Springs (two days after I moved to LA, and an omen of how my LA experience would be), said she loved it and needed a copy, then gave me her home address (I'm not kidding...I Google mapped it) to send it to her!  She demanded Marie and I take photos with her, hugged me like a lost lover (or something that would hold her sloppy ass up...I probably coulda got tongue if I'd tried) and wondered where the press was.  Poor delusional Janice - she looks like something out of BODIES: The Exhibition but I love her!

Janice at White Party Palm Springs....the picture she wants me to send her...with the skanky blonde photoshopped out....

Kicking Off Fashion Week With A Legend!

While I'm always sad to see summer end, I can't help loving early September in New York.  The tourists have gone home, the kids are back in school and there's less people in my damn way at Good Morning America.  Plus it's the high holy days in Manhattan.  No, not Rosh Hashana, fashion week, and that means beautiful models, gorgeous clothes, fabulous parties and beautiful models in gorgeous clothes at fabulous parties!

Most Wednesdays I'm deep in a pint of Ben & Jerry's and some Law and Order: SVU, but I dragged my ass off the couch this week for the Spirit and Flesh magazine (think fashion and art, not naked nuns doing dirty things with rosary beads) yacht party and boy am I glad I did!  Two words:  Pat Cleveland.

One of the first black supermodels, Pat paved the way for Beverly, Iman, Naomi and Tyra, partied at Studio 54 with Andy and Liza, was Halston's muse (I KNOW!) and hit the beach in St. Tropez in a diamond collar, bracelets, rings, heels and a g-string!  Miss Thing WAS fashion and she IS fierce!

Normally I'm just taking a photo from the sidelines, but this time I was part of Pat's entourage, squealing inside like a fangirl as she danced in the captain's cabin like it was 1977 and Bianca was going to ride in on a white horse, gave fierce photoshoot with her daughter Ana and shared memories of walking the catwalk for Halson, and it was all I could do not to wet myself right there, because we all know I love my supermodels.  Especially the vintage ones! 

So how was your Wednesday?

That Time Josh Duhamel Remembered Me From The Gym

So a few years ago I was living in LA, a city full of shallow, fake people who don't seem to do anything but talk about their screenplays or do a cleanse or get in their stupid hybrid car to drive to the gym to walk on a treadmill and then have brunch with their stupid fake friends even thought its the middle of the afternoon.  For awhile I bought into the bullshit, and Friday happy hours blurred into Sunday afternoon pool parties, fighting sleep with every pill, powder or liquid I could get my hands on to get me to the next dancefloor.  During the week I did pilates, hired a nutritionist and acupuncturist (Boaz at BomaMed - the best damn acupuncture in LA!) and worked out a private gym in Santa Monica.  And that's where I met Josh Duhamel. A super nice guy with ZERO attitude, Josh used to train with Nathan right after me, and we'd chit chat in the locker room if I finished up early or he was running late or Nathan was a no-show or disappeared to Northern California abruptly but unfortunately I never got to see him undressed. (Josh, that is.  I saw Nathan undressed a couple times in the locker room when he was questioning his sexuality, crushing on me and hoping I'd make the first move.) 

Here's Josh leaving Rockefeller Center on August 19th.  Great to see you again dude, cool that you remembered me and congratulations to you and Fergie on the new addition!

Nomi Malone IS Goddess

The new cast of Dancing with the Stars was revealed on Good Morning America yesterday, and as much as I'd like to see the lovely Valerie Harper add the Mirror Ball trophy to her Golden Globe and four Emmys, let's face it, Elizabeth Berkley's got this.  Elizabeth was in the greatest dance movie of all time (and my second favorite movie ever) Showgirls, so she's definitely got the edge.  Bitch will push a girl down the stairs, scatter beads on the dancefloor during a performance, fuck Len Goodman in the pool like a dying dolphin, then ice her nipples, throw on her best Versayce dress and do her entire 'Goddess' routine from beginning to end to secure that win darlin'.

 

Me and Some Big Girls at NY Live

Remember when Jackée Harry was hot?  Yeah, me neither, but for some reason she was very popular back in the 80's (along with glam rock hair, acid wash jeans and women in powersuits with shoulder pads and Reeboks) before making an ill-advised decision to leave the show that made her famous for a career of straight to DVD movies and supporting roles in forgettable TV shows on the WB.  Well Miss Thang is back, sort of, fitting a week in the off-Broadway show NEWSical the Musical neatly between the Hollywood Collector's show at the Burbank airport Marriott and an appearance at the Millions of Milkshakes in West Hollywood, and she was at NY Live to promote it.  Glad you're working again girl, and thanks for being so nice.  You're an inspiration to drag queens everywhere!

 The next day, Ross Matthews was at NY Live to promote his new show Hello Ross!  You know Ross as the overly cheerful, hyperactive queen with the annoying voice that turned a Tonight Show internship into a gig critiquing celebrities on the red carpet with Kelly Osborne to writing books and getting his own show and basically living the life I could have had if I hadn't listened to my mother and gotten a job right out of college.  I mean, I could have moved to Los Angeles sooner and I could have gotten an internship at the Tonight Show, and I already critique the red carpet from my couch with a pint of Haagen-Daaz so what the fuck?